Talking Turkey
The Only Absolute
There’s only one thing that is certain in this world, yet it’s the one thing no one wants to think about, let alone talk about. I’m talking about death and dying.
Death is the only thing that is guaranteed to happen to everyone. Death is the only absolute. Of course, we do not know how it will happen or when it will happen, but we all acknowledge and understand that it will occur.
So why don’t we think about it? Why is it so challenging to talk about? The answer is that death is a difficult and emotional concept. Perhaps, somewhere deep in our brains, we feel that if we don’t think about it and just keep our heads buried in the sand, it just won’t happen. Sadly, we all know that is not true.
Let’s Reframe It
So, to make it a bit easier to deal with, let’s reframe the topic. Rather than thinking about death and dying, let’s think about life and living. It is more palatable to talk about and think about how we want to live at the end of our life. It can be empowering to share our wishes for end of life care with our loved ones.
There are many topics to consider when thinking about end-of-life care. You may hear these conversations called advanced care planning.
Advanced Care Planning
Advanced care planning includes preparing legal documents, like wills and power of attorney forms. It’s critical to have legal documents in place stating who you have chosen to speak for you when you cannot speak for yourself and who will be allowed to make financial decisions. But, in addition to the legal aspect, you actually need to tell your chosen person what it is that you want. They are in place to speak for you only when you are deemed incapacitated and unable to speak for yourself. They absolutely need to know what you want and how you want to live at the end of your life.
It’s a Gift
Having the conversation about your end-of-life wishes is a gift to your loved ones. If you love them and trust them enough to legally make them your proxy, then you owe it to them to have these conversations. It will provide a roadmap for those who may be making tough and emotional decisions based on what you want and what you’ve shared with your loved ones. These discussions can make all the difference in the world for your loved ones. It can be agonizing for your chosen proxy if you’ve never had these discussions. It won’t make death any less sad, but it will help guide your loved ones to make difficult decisions about you knowing what you want.
Ever Changing
Keep in mind that your thoughts and desires will evolve with you. The conversation will be ever changing as you get older. You may think one way when you are young and healthy and quite a different way as you age. Obviously, a 30-year-old will think differently than a 90-year-old. Its so important to have this conversation early and often.
A lot of people talk about quality vs quantity of life. If you are young with young children, you may feel quantity of life is most important so you can see your kids grow up because that is what matters to you at that stage in life. But as you get older, you may change your outlook and would rather have less time on earth but have more quality in your days. There are no right or wrong answers and we can change our thoughts as we change and evolve.
No Guarantees
There are no guarantees in life, and you may not even get the chance for your loved ones to make any decisions. People die from accidents or heart attacks or any number of other ways. However, breaking the ice and talking about your wishes for end of life care and your death while you are alive, will still be helpful for your loved ones and allow them to grieve, hopefully, without guilt.
Lessons Learned….so Far
It’s always too soon before it’s too late.
Have the conversation early and often.
There is never a good time to have this conversation.
It will get easier the more times you have it.
It’s a dialogue not a monologue.
This conversation is not about funeral arrangements. (Although that conversation is also important.)
It’s better to talk around the kitchen table than in the ICU.
It’s better when you are healthy and not in crisis.
It’s better to have the conversation than not have it.
I hope you have a conversation filled Thanksgiving!